Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

That’s incredible! 👌

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book