Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*