Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Dance like you’re not the father

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

wut hotdog?

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws