Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Breaking news:
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.