Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no