Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house