Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.