Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
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[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I disagree with my politics
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind