gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Doggies just call it style.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
<—- homeless romantic
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.