Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

this made my day 😂

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?