Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
incredible google review i just found
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
A woman drives into a bar.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.