Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet