Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
This is hilarious
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
