Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Twitter is the new flypaper.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.