Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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