Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.