Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

i want it utterly assaulted.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.