Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.