Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

they really do be looking like this

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off