Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.