Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse