Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
what’s more important?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.