Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm