Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Just why bro?!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Just say no
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299