Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Me when I try to be useful

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?