Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014