Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.