Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.