Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?