Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.