Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.