Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic