gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
You Might Also Like
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Nice try, NASA
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…