Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*