Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

Dammit Chief not again

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Nomnomnomnom

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.