Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

what the

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.