gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah