Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

hey, alexa

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game