Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

#MeanwhileinCanada

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

🖤✌🏽

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013