Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.