Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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Me My dog
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
DOOO EEEET
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.