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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Hamburger Hinderer.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?