Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening