Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
You Might Also Like
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
LMFAOOOO
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me too, bag. Me too….
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
This probably isn’t good
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes