Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this