Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

selfie game

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.