Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there