gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
if a cop pulls u over play dead
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.