Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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Human are so complicated
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it鈥檚 just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that鈥檚 the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
AC/DC will always be on today鈥檚 rock and roll stations because they鈥檙e literally current.
No more excuses…
…I鈥檓 canceling that gym membership.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I don鈥檛 do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I鈥檇 ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What鈥檚 the worst that can happen?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don鈥檛 need.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: I鈥檓 exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
It鈥檚 me against the world! That鈥檚 how gravity works