Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Lmao 😁
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?