Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Home is where your toilet is.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
no cat here
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.