Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
💀🤣
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner