Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.