Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

this is how life feels

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now