Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is