Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterdayâs emergency call: 4yo wonât eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. đ¤
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND IâVE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: I donât think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Is this your resume?
âYepâ
It just says you used to leave shit at your friendsâ doors, ring the bell & run away
âOh yesâ
Welcome to UPS!
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhhâŚdust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean⌠uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
âToday, my son asked âCan I have a book mark?â and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesnât know my name is Brian.â
âAfter he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.â
â Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things Iâve lent over the years have never come back.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel Iâve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay Iâm here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I yelled at my wife âYour skirt is way too shortâ
She replied, âThatâs because itâs made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to meâ
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, Iâm going to say something.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if Iâd ever had an IUD. When I checked the âyesâ box, he said: âYou drove drunk!?!â
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: canât but thanks
Youâve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. Youâve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents donât care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Pal: Thatâs an impressive stingray. Howâd you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Bow Wowâs full name is actually Boward Woward
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now itâs just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed âRaisin Nut Vibesâ?