Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.