Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
You Might Also Like
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
The pasta is now
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY