Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
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The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.