Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterdayâs emergency call: 4yo wonât eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. đ¤
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âNo new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelingsâ â Tim Cook, hopefully
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Met a dog named Donut. I donât need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. Iâm going to try this with my co-workers.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the catâs back & everyone wonders why youâre naked.
angel: why did you change the name to âskunkâ?
God: I thought âstinky catâ gave away the surprise
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
INFORMER!!!
YounosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaammâŚ
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I think itâs unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish itâs âsushi,â but when a fish eats uncooked human, itâs âa shark attack.â
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
In my 20âs: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40âs: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
đ¤Śđťââď¸
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying âmurbererâ?
Iâm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: âRacing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.â
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesnât make you wait an hour.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. Itâs official, Iâve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. Itâs the most powerful force on earth.
14: Mom, youâre like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So weâre like 10 years apart.