Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob