Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.