Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 馃崵
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Everyone鈥檚 gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Me: I don鈥檛 know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God鈥檚 sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Mad Max: Furry Road
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you鈥檙e doing and I respect it but the answer鈥檚 still no
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Sounds like a bargain
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren鈥檛 these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.