Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.