Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
BRO LMFAO
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.