Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism