Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Home #decor warning.

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

lot going on here, legally speaking.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.