Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.