Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in