Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

what kind of cook setting is this??

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.