Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.