Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oilđ
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BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actuaâI think itâs gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. Itâs jusâitâs a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I donâtâŚ*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: one manâs trash is another manâs treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Donât you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
âWho took my good screwdriver?â
-Every dad ever
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, heâd definitely shoot the bread.
If parenting has taught me anything, itâs that you only give your toddler as much juice as youâd like to see on the floor
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I canât tell if thatâs a compliment or contradiction
They donât put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know youâve got enough problems already.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess youâll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
my immune system told me itâs a lover not a fighter
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Donât be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isnât concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Iâm holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
âI apologize for the misunderstandingâ
â Professional
â Non-threatening
â Executive levelâListen here you little shitâ
â Assertive
â Life-threatening
â Who knows what will happen next
gm
Iâm in that magical stage of parenting where I donât need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also donât have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think Iâm smart and funnyâŚhow do I stay here???
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Youâve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and youâll be a transgender time traveler.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I canât spell it.
So Iâm going to be vein.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and thatâs beautiful
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
girls donât even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonaldâs ketchup packets*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, sheâs going to look amazing.