Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.