Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

How funny!

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.