Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

These are so Plastic Man-core

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

my nickname in college

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby