Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

Support your local cemetery

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”