Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*