5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors?
Me: Her stepsisters make her.
5: She should just buy a Roomba.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
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me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“I was on Vine before it was cool.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it.