A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.