@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[watching “Cinderella”]

5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

Me: Her stepsisters make her.

5: She should just buy a Roomba.

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@tiffstevenson

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@fro_vo

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

@bbseaside

I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it.