Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito