Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.