Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Don’t we all.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

*watches the world burn*

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Oh thanks BBC.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.