I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You Might Also Like
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue