Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
found my next D&D character name
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Still a very good boi….
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”