Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.