Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

😂🐈‍⬛

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.